all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize