I just threw up on my dentist
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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