u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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