alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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