The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
