they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I don't want my vagina anymore.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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