Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
