Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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