I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
