im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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