my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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