He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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