The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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