i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
