I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
