I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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