You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
