not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
