I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
