Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
