Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize