If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We don't watch enough power rangers
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
