just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
