Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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