apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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