She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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