hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
