I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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