So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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