Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
