Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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