I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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