the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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