Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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