Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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