Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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