So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just googled if crying burns calories
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
