im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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