I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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