the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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