I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize