girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
