she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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