Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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