we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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