Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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