god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
