I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
