Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
