He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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