man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
