Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
