"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
