Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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