i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's blow job season.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize