Say something about gay babies.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
